Reason number one to have Netflix

Netflix. This is an item that is more addictive than crack, crystal meth, and magic the gathering. See, if you dont know what it is, you are probably not reading this blog as you have no internet connection. Netflix is a service that allows you to add movies to a queue and then miracle upon miracle they show upon your door. Even better, they have a virtual library that allows you to watch movies and tv shows online INSTANTLY.

This...this last piece brought a tear to my eye. You see they have hours...nigh...days or months of viewing TV shows. Now that...that my friends is the miracles of modern technology. You want to watch Hercules? Right now...on the internet.... GO. You want to watch The Office? Which one British or American.... GO.

Now most of you are asking, "Where are you going with this you verbose imbecile? More importantly, what in the flying fuck does this have to do with horror?" Well first, they keep up to date with the current releases of horror films allowing me to have a DVD within days of request. Point the second is they have recently put the entire Troma library on instaview. Finally, the shows that are on the instaview include not only Dexter, but Showtimes Masters of Horror.

For those unfamiliar, Masters of Horror was a Showtime series in which a "master" of the horror genre would direct an episode of the hour long show. Dario Argento, John Carpenter, and Tobe Hooper have all done episodes. As have numerous other directors of the genres best and brightest. Then...there are some of the lower points. Here in, I shall do a spot review of the episodes watched. There are some mild spoilers as well.

Director(his previous work): Title : score

John McNaughton(Henry:portrait of a serial killer): Haeckels Tale : 3/5
Zombies, necromancers and a touch of a love story. This wasnt bad. There were a couple of twists but frankly they were way down the road so you could see them coming. Acting, setting and story were good. There were no scares. Shock, maybe, but no scares.

Mick Garris(The Stand): Chocolate : 5/5
Wow. What an interesting idea. This is a story of a guy who gets the sensations from the girl of his dreams. Things go poorly. As above, acting, setting and story are phenomenal. No real scares but the creepy is ramped up to give this the 5/5.

Joe Dante(Gremlins): Homecoming: 5/5
Holy crap. This one was poinant as well as fun. The reparte between the leads was divine. Story was about a guy who wanted dead vets to vote based on the current war. It goes poorly. Bonus points for the Anne Coulter wannabe. The awesome of this flick cannot be described.

I didn't see this one. Internet wifey review paraphrased. :3/5
John Landis(American Werewolf in London): Deer Woman: Based on the Native American myth that a woman with deer legs would lure men into the forest, get them horny, then stomp them to death. She was doing it in real life. No motive...its just what she does. Good story, acting and CG. It was easily followed. It had no real scares but was an interesting concept.

Dario Argento(Suspira...being the dad of Asia Argento): Pelts : 4/5(it gets a bonus 1 because Asia who is no where near this movie aside from Darios genetic make up)
What...the...hell. See this is the statement I have with lots of Dario Argentos work(including his daughter Asia. I mean ....damn its nice to see the beauty genes pass a generation. Nomnomnom). This short was odd. Furriers, raccoons and a stripper involved. It had an interesting cast(Meatloaf?????). It had a weird story. It had an odd follow through and twist.

Dario Argento(Asia's dad again): Jenifer: 5/5(Asia is Darios daughter dammit).
What... the... fuck? This was really good. I enjoyed the story of a guy who defends a "defenseless" woman and pays with his entirety. Really well done. Cast was good. Story was weird. Best to be seen as opposed to be talked about. Simply cop finds bad things about to happen to girl. Girl is train wreck. White knight saves. White knight falls. Rinse repeat.

Takashi Miike(Ishi the Killer): Imprint: I give it a 1/5. If you dig torture porn, inverse the review
Damn. This was a bad one. I couldnt complete it. I guess despite watching zombies eat the living guts outta some one or watching Cathy Bates hobble someone or watching Uwe Boll movies, I cannot really abide serious torture flicks. Hostel...meh. This... HOLY CRAP ON TOAST. Chicks getting junk sewed. Hmmmm fuck no. The plot was a gai jin who is looking for his lost hooker love to sweep her away to the shores of America. She dies...badly. I stopped watching in point of fact.

John "the motherfuckin man" Carpenter (Halloween, The Thing) : Pro Life: 6/5 (it gets the internet wifey bonus of plus one for Ron Perlman).
Loved it. Great characters. Good story. Girl goes for an abortion of the anti christ. Dad, a pro life worshipper of the almighty and freaks that its the devil is against this. Violence ensues. Glorious violence.

Rob Schmidt(Wrong Turn????): Right to Die : 4/5 (bonus of hot crispy brings it to the 5/5)
Guy watches wife burn to death. Wife is a full blown hottie of doom. He cheated on her because he was obviously brain damaged. Even internet wifey found her the hottest of the hot. Bad things ensue when crispy wife astrally projects and offs people. Is the awesome.

John(holy crap not one but two) Carpenter (Escape from NY, The Fog): Cigarette Burns: 4/5
This one was a bit out there. It was creepy and I liked it. Guy goes out to find the worst, most evil movie ever. The badness ensues when he finds it. The story had a high Whisky Tango Foxtrot factor. I enjoyed it. Well cast, directed and acted.

Tobe (Hey...nice chainsaw) Hooper (Texas Chainsaw Massacre...the original bitches) : Dance of the Dead:Hard bonus for me to bring it to a 5/5(wifey requests....I concur because Robert Englund is the master of ceremonies)
Great post apocalyptic nearly zombie flick. Bad bioweapon wipes out the US in bad fashion. People are anarchic. Story revolves around sex drugs and the ability to watch the dead dance naked on stage.

William Malone (New House on Haunted Hill, feardotcom) : Fair Haired Child: Wifey gives 5/5
Girl kidnapped from school and tossed into cellar as sacrifice to demon. She and demon child get along. She dies. Bad things happen to adults.

Don Coscarelli(Phantasm, Bubba ho tep...watch this one trust me): Incident on and off Mountain Road. :4/5
Killer tries to kill a survalist chick. Things go badly for the people around. Killer has an affectation for eyes. She has issues. You will enjoy.

Larry (good god look at the B's) Cohen(trust me you probably dont know or want to ... lets just say Q, a story of a feathered serpent bent on eating everyone in NY) :Pick Me Up: 5/5 due to wifey diligence.
Two killers. Multiple twists. awesome.

Pant, pant, pant. Ok MOH is done. I should be spared the lash for a couple of days(or a day). Hopefully, I will post up on the Indy horror scene in the next couple of days. Talk to everyone one of you soon.

60/70 = 6/7

If you dont have netflix and enjoy movies do me a favor. Find a female associate(it may be hard), have her kick you in the junk twice, have her log you on the internet and sign up when you are not vomitting from being kicked in the junk. This series is worth a month of rentals at video king.

B


Overall rating for MOH.
Wow...two killers. Interesting twists. Liked it . You should definitely check it. 5/5 ala wifey